So it's been awhile....

And to think. Since I last published in early March I've been in pain. It's nothing like I've ever experienced before. I'm humbled. And broken. I'm fighting for my spirit but if something doesn't change soon I fear for that too.

It all started innocently enough. I'm a nurse. A Labor & Delivery nurse. So my job is a bit physical - some nights more than others. I don't remember anything that hurt me. Not one specific thing. I think it was just a stretch of busy nights at work. You know the nights. The ones where your whole body aches. Your back, your neck, your legs, your feet. Everything. But then you flop into bed, become comatose for 8-10 hours & wake up fine. But I didn't. Wake up all fine, that is....

It was just an ache in my low back. Annoying at first, but growing more every day. Finally on 3/16 (after about a week of this pain) I hit up CentraCare (an urgent care clinic). The doc did a cursory exam, lifted my legs which produce such pain in my low back that I want to cry & throw up & pronounced that I had sciatica. He gave me an IM shot of steroids, a medrol steroid pack, & Flexiril. In that first day I thought maybe I might get better. Nope. No such luck. My follow up instruction was to go to an orthopedic doctor if I wasn't better in a week. I'm stubborn, you know, and given everything I've read online...most back pain will resolve itself in a month - even with no treatment. So I waited. I waited to wake up one day & be normal again. God, how I wish that day will still come. I waited almost a month. Until I couldn't take it anymore. I tried to get in to see my mom's doctor - I really liked him, but his first available was in May. No way could I wait anymore.

So I saw another Internal Medicine doctor in their practice. Nice guy. Did a very thorough exam. He agreed with me that I don't have sciatica - I have NO numbness or tingling or weakness or pain down either leg. His theory is herniated disc vs. lumbago vs. degenerative disc disease. None of those are great options, but if we're picking I'll take lumbago for $100, Alec. So, I was given a script for physical therapy 3 times a week, Ibuprofen, & Lortab. Plus some plain film x-rays & bloodwork. Then I needed to see him in 2 weeks.

Next came insurance fun - gotta get those PT visits approved. That ate up one of my weeks. And while PT was helpful in some respects I'm not getting better. Maybe I'm learning ways to cope. But I don't want to cope. Sheesh. Now I sound like a petulant child. But I want to be better. To be me. At this point I'd do anything for that. But I digress.... We did PT for 2 weeks & I went back to the doctor. I was sleep-deprived (had to work the night prior & had Matthew's orthodontic visit that morning) and I was in pain. And I seem to cry in front of my doctors. Funny, but true story - probably because I wait until it's so horrible to go in. Damn nurses - suck as patients. Anyway, I keep getting off track. Second doctor's visit was annoying. All he could focus on was my great cholesterol. Fab-fricking-fantastic Dr. T. I can live a long, long time in pain. He didn't think I needed a MRI as my options at this point were surgery or an epidural steroid injection (how he could propose surgery when we don't have a MRI with an actual DIAGNOSIS I don't know, but again, I digress....). So off I went with a referral to the pain clinic.

Thank GOD they could fit me in on Tuesday (almost a week ago). This doctor was great. Did an exam and said that he'd like to do a MRI (suck it, Dr. T) so that he can find & focus in on the problem and an epidural steroid injection. Ok, I'm not into needles, but epidurals don't scare me - bring it on. As I'm checking out & making my MRI & ESI appointments I remind the gal that I have Florida Hospital insurance & that I'd need an approval for my MRI. No problem - she said - and scheduled me on Monday (TOMORROW - oh, actually TODAY) for the MRI and Tuesday for ESI. Great. Works out perfect. Yeah. Except I got busy with working on Thursday & slept in Friday (cause I worked that night too) so I didn't check online til after customer service was closed. Guess what? No MRI approval. No denial either. Nothing. Maybe I'm not looking in the right place (but I'm pretty sure I am as it's where my PT approval was). So, I have to call customer service first thing at 8am and PRAY that there is an approval. If not I can't have my MRI (I'm supposed to be there at 10am). Then what does that do to my ESI??? Could I even have it? Probably, but it won't be specifically targeted & they'd probably have to use more steroids to cover more of the epidural space. Then if I could have it, would I want to without the MRI?? I can't wait another week. Why a week? They only do ESIs on Tuesdays. So if I don't have one this Tuesday I'll have to wait until next week. I just can't. My rope is shortening. I'm nearing the end.

What in the hell am I going to do if this is my life? It takes everything I have to work. I can't do housework or pretty much anything else. Anything that requires me to sit upright for more than an hour - sometimes less, sometimes more - is painful. Lying down is my only relief. I can't live my life lying down. Please, please, please - pray for me.